A SECOND OPTION

In Nigeria, there are materials/items we refer to as second hand. These items/materials are called second hand because they have been used by someone or an organization or a company for a period and after a while, the materials/items are disposed and sold at a cheaper price to someone else or to another company or organization. So we have second hand clothes, second hand cars, second hand shoes…etc.

            Usually people, organizations or companies go for these items because they are cheaper, because they can’t afford a first class item/material. There is a funny mentality in Nigeria that makes people say that second hand materials lasts longer than materials that has never been used before.

            An option is something that you can choose to have or do. An option is a choice. An experience prompts me to write this article. Nowadays, I see that some ladies are treated as second hand materials by men and the society. Women are treated as second hand by their husbands; the poor are treated as second hand by their nation. This is not meant to be.

            I will be sharing the experience of a lady with you. She was lonely and bored for days, deep in her heart she feels depressed and she said to herself that she needs a company. She wasn’t looking for a relationship per se, she was looking for a friend, someone new whom she can share her thoughts with and not be bored.

            Not long, she met a guy, initially they became just friends, and they talked at length and shared past experiences with each other. She explained to the guy that she had been hurt by guys and that she feels lonely. The guy told her that he is in a relationship with a lady but distance, time and parent factor has separated them. He said he also feels lonely and needs company.

The guy said they should date not minding that there is another lady somewhere, he promised her that he will fill up the space in her heart and make her happy again.

            They started dating but not long after the lady started noticing that the guy has a nonchalant attitude towards her. In summary, he cares less. It seems the guy is always nice to her in words and attitude when he wants something from her. She was hurting; he was always dropping her calls and snapping at her, he gets angry at any little thing she does and can go days without talking to her, I thought love is meant to be good but it wasn't so in this case. She complained several time but there were no changes.

            Then it dawned on her that she is a second hand material to the guy. No little reason why he treats her in such manner. He has another option somewhere so he doesn't mind if she stays or leave. She blamed herself for stupidly accepting his offer and falling in love with him.

            So many ladies are being treated as second option. Some of them endure and they eventually end up marrying the man and still continue to be a second hand material or second option.

            No esteem, no love, no respect, nothing… you are being used and then end up as a filthy rag. This affects your emotion and then frustrates you.

            Ladies, it’s time to stand against being used as a second option, I understand that sometimes, our mood and emotions can lead us to make some stupid decisions but it’s never late to correct our paths, it’s never late to mend it, we need to act fast cause it is all about us.

            As for me ladies, my prayer is that God directs to my path, that man whose rib I was created. That man who will love me unconditionally, the man who will care for me, that man who will stay with me, in trying and difficult times, the man who will respect me and stand with me against all odds. The one who loves God and a doer of God’s word, a man after God’s heart, that’s the kind of man I pray for you ladies out there too.

            Let us refuse to be cheated, lied to, beaten, abused, rejected, isolated and used as a second option or a second hand material, we can make a change if we determine to…Cheers

A STORY TO LEARN FROM (THE FIRST VISIT)

A story of a young girl whose life changed after a painful experience; I know that we have different categories of ladies. There are some who have already taken pain as their lifestyle and have refused to learn, there are some who intentionally go through pain for selfish reasons while some have allowed the pains they go through to change their life and make them better women.

            “I will always get away with all I do, who says I can’t eat my cake and have it at the same time, it my time joor” these and more were Sade’s reply to her friends.

Sade a young lady in her early twenties embraced the rough part of life and got addicted to it. She really loves to explore and hang out with friends. She was never scared of getting into trouble because she believes she can never have any problem in her dealing with people especially the opposite sex.

            The social network exposed her more as she made new friends (mostly guys) and was ready to go out on dates with them. Although she has heard stories about girls visiting guys they met on social networks and getting into trouble such as being raped or being killed but she was so confident that such can’t happen to her.

            On this fateful day, she received a call from a family friend who resides in Lagos. The conversation went thus:

Sade: Hello good evening

Caller: Good evening, please am I speaking to Sade

Sade: yes please who am I speaking to?

Caller: it’s me Bayo

Sade: Bayo!! Which Bayo please

Caller: well Bayo, Mrs Adeoti’s son

Sade: OMG!! Am so sorry, didn’t know it’s you, how are you and how is everyone over there.

Bayo: we are all fine, it’s been a while, I collected your number from someone close.

Sade: well that’s great but hope all is well, the last time I saw you, I was still in secondary school (junior class) at that.

Bayo: well, you are right and am sure you must be a big girl now

Sade: chuckles, if you say so

Bayo: I would really like to say, I have a busy schedule here in Lagos, if you don’t mind can I invite you over to my place one of these weekends.

Sade: hmmm, it’s alright I will come

Bayo: really, that will be great, can’t wait to see you again.

Sade: smiles

Bayo: thanks so much, allow me call you back later please.

Sade: it’s alright, take care

Bayo: ok, bye. Talk to you later

Sade: Bye

            Hmmm…just like that, Sade agreed to go to Lagos, immediately she dropped the call, she starts thinking about what she will tell people around her, so they won’t discourage or stop her from going. She is very good at fabricating stories so before long, she came up with one.

Bayo called back and fixed the next weekend for their visit. Sade agreed but instructed Bayo that none of her family members must hear about it since she won’t be going home and he agreed without any objection.

            Sade got to the pack to board a bus going to Lagos, her hearts beats continually, but her mind was made up; though something tells her she was doing something wrong. When she got to Lagos, she was able to locate the house easily. She was warmly welcomed by Bayo who has gotten everything set to welcome Sade. She saw very happy. Of course that’s what she likes.

Sade dropped her bag and freshened up; she ate and then decided to have a conversation with Bayo to be sure of why he invited her over. As she conversed with Bayo, she noticed that his eyes were running all over her body and he was always trying to move close at every opportunity. He told her how beautiful she is and that the reason why he invited her over was because he wants to start something serious with.

            “I am not getting any younger and I need a decent and intelligent lady, I have searched but I believe you are the perfect jewel for me, I have always admired you since you were in secondary school and I know you will be a wonderful mother to my kids”. Those were his words.

            As Sade was about to utter a word, he touched her lips and carried her to his room.“Wait, wait, stop let me say something”, it was already late, he pounced on her like a hungry lion who has just found its prey and he had sex with her. Oh my God, Sade was crying inside, how can this happen to me?Why did he do this?she couldn’t cry out because it was late. The deed had been done.

            She thought within herself, I shouldn’t have come. The following day, she begged Bayo to get her a pill so she won’t get pregnant because she wasn’t sure she was safe. Sade returned back to school that same day and couldn’t tell anyone what she went through, she had earlier said she was going to redemption camp, so she just lied and said the program was fine.

Weeks after Sade added a lot of weigh, she became very uncomfortable, most of the time, and her friends teased her about her weight. She was now becoming scared. She was waiting for her monthly period to prove her pregnancy thoughts wrong but her period delayed.

            Some days later, she spotted for just a day, she became very worried, and why was her period not flowing? She couldn’t help it so she got test strips and did a pregnancy home test only to find out that she was pregnant. Her head rang, what will people say about her? This can’t be happening; she didn’t know who to run to; she was shaking and sobbing quietly.

            Two days later, she was at a hospital. The doctor did necessary tests and told her she was 1 month and I week pregnant. What will she do, she was very scared. She had never aborted before but she has heard a lot of stories about abortion and its pains.

The doctor pointed at a door and asked her to go in. she went in sluggishly and stood. “Remove your pants”he said, she did and he showed her where to lie.

            The doctor brought out sterilized instruments and asked her to spread her legs wide open and be calm. She was shaking and sobbing. As the instruments entered through her virgina, she screamed, the pain was becoming intense; tears flowed freely down her eyes; she felt like she was going to die because the pain was unbearable.

            She couldn’t call any name, she stared at the roof of the room, then she remembered how she has messed up her life in the past months, risking her life and being careless with it. She began to scream “OH LORD HAVE MERCY ON ME; AM VERY SORRY”

            By this time the instrument were going in and out of her and she felt her back was about to be crushed. Some minutes later, the doctor told her, he is through and that she can stand up; that was when she realizes that she was still alive. The doctor helped her to stand up and gave her pills to use.Immediately she got out of the room, the nurses at the reception were all saying sorry to her. She couldn’t smile; her eyes were wet with tears.

            She left the hospital premises promising God that she will never go back to sin again. She lost her first baby. A very painful experience for her;When she got home, she realized she was bleeding, she was scared to death. She was really in pains.

            To some of the ladies out there, I understand that some have faced worse things than Sade,while some have not gotten to this level but are treading the path. Some have passed through fire and have been burnt beyond recognition. But the most important thing is that one should learn from these experiences.

It was her first visit. Her first visit to the guys place, her first to the hospital for an abortion. The first visit can be your last visit if you are not being careful, the first visit can destroy your life and it an even lead to death.Some people’s life has been totally shattered due to a first visit. BEWARE.

whatever you are doing now and you know it is not right, whatever you are doing and you know can destroy your life...stop in time before it is too late...lastly let us all learn from our mistakes... 

GUARD YOUR HEART!!!

The heart is the organ in the chest that sends blood around the body, usually on the left part of humans. The heart is a place in a person where feelings and emotions are thought to be especially those connected with love. The heart is an important part of the human body.

            To guard your heart is to be very careful and prepare your heart in case of danger; it is to watch and protect your heart from any danger. For instance a soldier is someone in the army; they protect and guard their territory (barrack) at all times. They are always at alert in case there is any danger. Also, a boxer is always on guard (in a position to defend himself).

            As ladies, we should always guard our heart, some men are like wolves in sheep clothing, they come to us pretending to be a sheep but end up destroying us like a wolf will destroy its prey. We need to be vigilant and careful.

            We need to always be on guard, many men out there believe that the direct access to ladies is to find a place in their heart. They understand that we are emotional and they know when they get to our heart, they can defeat us. They speak nicely to us and try to tell us lovely things, they throw some unnecessary questions at us and sometimes we fall for them.

            Let us remember that our heart is not a toy that should be played with, it is a part of our body that needs to be handled with care. If we do not guard our hearts, we will end up going from one relationship to another. Do not allow anyone to sweet talk you into doing what you don’t want to do. Be at alert like the soldiers at the war front, be careful what you hear or listen to because the ear is a direct route to our heart, be careful what you watch, don’t allow anyone cajole or mislead you.

            Some talks are cheap, if you give away your heart carelessly, you will end up losing it prematurely, this will make you unstable emotionally and you know it will go a long way in affecting you psychologically. Guard your heart with all jealousy, be the Author of your heart, decide what goes in and comes out of it. Don’t allow your emotions to be tampered with. GUARD YOUR HEART!!!

YOUR MORDECAI

Hi ladies, today I want to enlighten us on the need to have a Mordecai. I am sure the name Mordecai rings a bell. Recall the story of Esther in the Bible

            Esther became a queen not because she was only pretty, not only because she was very intelligent, not only because she was outstanding among the maidens, not only because she was humble but because she had a Mordecai.

            According to the book of Esther,  Mordecai was Esther's uncle but he raised her as his own daughter for she had neither a father nor a mother. Mordecai gave Esther the support she needed when she was in the Kings palace before she became a queen. He gave her instructions, monitored her and urged her not to reveal their plans to their relations. Mordecai kept checking up on Esther's welfare everyday to see how she was fairing in the king's palace where all the maidens where kept.

            Though Esther was an intelligent lady, she was calm and submissive enough to understand and obey her uncle Mordecai. She put herself under his authority. Even when she became the queen, she didn't stop listening to her uncle; she didn't show any sign of pride, she was still respectful and submissive.

            As ladies, we need to be under the authority of someone. Remember when we were young, we were under the care and authority of our parents, when we grow up and get married we will be under the authority of our husband, because regularly as ladies we need to be submissive to someone who will guide and guard us at all times. But there is a period when we are not under anyone's authority, the period when we are far from our parents and the period when we are not married. At this stage, we need a MORDECAI who will guide us and put us through. 

            Do not get me wrong, I do not mean a Mordecai like a boyfriend oooo, I mean a Mordecai like a mentor, a Mordecai like a role model (either a man or a woman), and you have to be careful when choosing a Mordecai. Your Mordecai can be your pastor, a trusted relation, a friend indeed, someone who is more experienced in life than you are, someone who can correct you when you are wrong, and someone who will guide you and help you grow.

            Submission is mandatory, you need to be submissive and open to whosoever you choose as your Mordecai, you need to be attentive, always listen to him/her/them and accept their corrections with joy. Imagine if Esther had not obeyed Mordecai, what do you think would have become of her and her people. Recall also, the story of Ruth and Naomi, imagine what would have happened to Ruth if she didn't follow the instructions of Naomi.

            We all need a Mordecai because at every stage in our life when we are faced with challenges, our Mordecai puts us through and help us to overcome our challenges. God uses our Mordecai to pull us to the top. Do not choose anyone whose life doesn't glorify God as your Mordecai because it is very dangerous. Your Mordecai must be Spirit filled and must have the fear of God.

            In case you already have a MORDECAI, obey him/her/them and follow their instructions but in case you do not have one, you need a Mordecai. GET ONE

HIS LOVE FOR GOD MATTERS

God is the creator of all things; man, animals, plants, non-living things and everything you can ever think of.

            According to John 3:16, God loves us so much that He gave us His only begotten son, His son Jesus Christ came to the world to die for our sins. Greater love has no man than this that a man gives up his life for his friends. (John15:13)

            God’s love is unconditional, His love doesn’t demand for sex nor material things, His love doesn’t fade, His love is everlasting. Falling in love with Him is the best thing that can ever happen to a man. Loving Him is so sweet.

            Ladies, it’s sad that we have diverted all the love we are meant to have for Him on our fellow human most especially the opposite sex. This is not supposed to happen. God should have a special place in your heart. No man should take God’s place in your heart. Always ensure that GOD COMES FIRST in your life, with this you will be guided to make the right decisions because HE lives in you.

            Ladies are emotional, we are easily moved by some certain things, though most times we don’t show them but inside of us we know what we are thinking of. We fall in and out of love easily. Most times we fall in love with a person’s appearance and fame instead of the real person. Many times it’s difficult for us to understand what we truly feel for the opposite sex.

           Sometimes ago, I spoke to my mentor about someone I have affection for. I explained to him that I really like the guy and he said to me “Loving a guy is not a criteria that he is the chosen one for you”. Many times, we choose our partner based on what we feel and see, some of us even have the picture of our ideal man, but when our so called ideal man comes and we start a relationship with him, we end up breaking up because we just can’t cope with one another. My mentor always says every perfect guy is not meant for the best girl, God always have a better choice for us. Though his choice sometimes doesn’t fit into our own picture but his choice is always the best.

            Does that guy really love God? If a guy doesn’t love God and the things of God, then he cannot love you, if he doesn’t have the fear of God then he can’t love and respect you. So I thought within myself, how do you measure a person’s love? How do you know if a person truly loves God? Some cunning guys can pretend and show you that they love God but deep in their heart, they know they are not real.

            Only a man that loves God will know how to treat a woman right. Only a man who loves God can have the capacity to love a woman dearly. Only a man that loves God with his life can be guided by God to love a woman. Only a man that loves God will be able to tolerate a woman because women can be difficult at times. A man who doesn’t love God cannot care, appreciate or love what God has created i.e. woman. Let’s look out for that man who is after God’s heart. Prayer is also an important key to consider. I pray God will open our eyes to see that man who really loves Him. His love for God matters. 

STEPPING OUT OF YOUR TERRITORY

A Territory is an area that one person, group, animal etc considers as their own and defends against others who try to enter it. A territory can be likened to your home, a town, country and immediate environment.

            Stepping out of your territory is leaving your immediate environment, your home or country to another different location/ place entirely. Many times, stepping out of one’s territory could mean danger for the person in question. Before you can step out of your territory, you must be fully guarded or prepared to face the challenges outside your territory.

            Our territory is always the safest place to explore all our characteristics. As a young lady who grew up in a disciplined home, you see other young ladies in your school and you ask yourself “why am I different, why can’t I be like them”. Your parents do not allow you visit friends, you are not allowed to expose your body, you are restricted from watching certain TV stations and you keep asking yourself “why am I being treated like a stranger in my home”. Your brothers’ question every guy they see around you, you are to always observe your quiet time, your phone is always checked and you are always being monitored. You feel you need some space.

            Guess this was exactly the way Dinah, the daughter of Jacob in the Bible felt and then she went out to see the daughters of the land and she got raped by the son of Hamar (shechem). I am very sure, she liked what the other daughters of the land were doing and she wanted to make friends with them, she left her territory (father’s house) and got raped in the process.

            Many young ladies out there have fallen victim of so many unheard situations because they left their territory. For instance, a lady who left her territory to visit a 2go friend and was ganged rape by five men.

            Stepping out of your territory is very dangerous. There is time for everything. A lady should only step out when she is ready and fully guarded. When men are going to war (stepping out of their territory) they guard themselves with Armour and shield so they won’t get wounded in the process of fighting. How guarded are you? Even within your territory, you need to guard yourself….

            You can guard yourself by setting some rules and not going against it, do not get carried away easily, know the kind of company you keep, do not trust every one completely because they might be a threat. Do not step out of your territory unless you have been fully guarded. Do not visit unknown men because you want to make friends, if at all you have to go, go with someone reliable, do not choose the wrong company of friends because you don’t want to be intimidated, build your self esteem.

            Finally, I urge you my fellow ladies and sisters do not step out of your territory until you are fully guarded. I LOVE YOU ALL